Optimism

went to out to breakfast this morning where my friend jenny made an observation: over the last month, i seem happier.

i was bit taken aback. seriously? happier? i have never equated my cynicism w/misery, but i still felt this sudden compulsion to reflect. and it seems, she might be right.

last fall i left a job i had for 7 years and started a new position i didn't know if i could handle. at the same time, the guy i had dated for almost just as long and thot i was going to grow old with, told me i wasn't worth fighting for. then i proceeded to drown myself in work, and gained 15 pounds and a pant size over the holidays. i spent my winter as a depressed, chubby workaholic.

the worst was in march when i got reminded by everyone and their grandma that i was turning a year older in the middle of nowhere; experienced extreme self-centeredness by some friends; and watch others obscenely shove happiness in everybody's face. i wanted to poke my own eyes out.

so after that i spent most of my time at work. 6 months ago i didn't know if i could come up w/a way to help emerging economies purchase micronutrient premix, but i think i did (officially submitted my report 9 days ago). i'm waiting for feedback, but if i do say so myself, i think it might be a fairly decent idea...

and it helps that i like my work. yes, i still work a lot and at times it drives me crazy, but i like that i'm doing something i'm passionate about: feeding people better. (btw, in case you missed it, the CCC just posted its results last wk. people way smarter than you or i put 5 solutions to malnutrition in the top 10, and micronutrient fortification, my area of work, as #3. how AWESOME is that???)

and i'm having more fun. i'm seeing people, going out, and planning mini-vacations. i just started running again post-shot, and am attending a pilates class once a wk. later this month i'm even going to start biking to work (and wayzata is NOT close to mpls!). and while i don't quite fit into my pants yet, i'm almost there :)

so here we were: at a cafe in st. paul, noshing on hasbrowns, sipping coffee, and pondering the potential reality of her observation. happier? perhaps. i think i'm just more optimistic than i was before. the last couple of months have really been about seeing what i can do, being comfortable in my own skin, and learning to say no. it's a work-in-progress, but i am worth fighting for.